


I Know You Are, But What Am I

by KyloReam



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Race Changes, Angst, Black Kylo Ren, Character Study, Desi General Hux, Evil Space Boyfriends, Insecurity, M/M, Microaggressions, Racebending, racebent au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-10
Updated: 2016-08-10
Packaged: 2018-08-07 21:10:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7729858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KyloReam/pseuds/KyloReam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>General Hux does not expect Kylo Ren to look the way he does when he finds him bleeding out in the snow as Starkiller collapses beneath their feet. There’s an avalanche of emotions as they meet for the first time with masks off, minds unguarded. There’s shock and fury of secrets kept, lies told, and assumptions made. Hux lifts Kylo’s bleeding head from the snow as his life’s work goes up in smoke, and another emotion comes to him: recognition.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Know You Are, But What Am I

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for a racebent take on Kylux came to me about a week ago and Would Not Leave, and so I had no choice but to write it.
> 
> I think casting Kylo Ren and General Hux as two young white men was a very intentional decision, and men of color are so often typecast as villains in popular culture and the media. But if Star Wars can have two complex heroes of color in the sequel trilogy, who’s to say there couldn’t also be two complex villains of color? That’s what I was going for here; adding racial identity into these two difficult characters and seeing how it might intersect with their actions and ideology. I interpreted Kylo as Black and Hux as desi, but I'm open to other people creating their own racebent headcanons!
> 
> Many thanks to [voidrot](http://archiveofourown.org/users/voidrot) and [ofcorsetstrash](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ofcorsetstrash) for letting me spitball some ideas and helping me figure out what these two look like in this AU!
> 
> Fic title/inspiration: ["I Know You Are, But What Am I"](https://youtu.be/c0dORHW9Cg4) by Mogwai.

Armitage Hux is born, and he has his father’s features, the same gentle brows and bow-shaped mouth. But his skin is like his mother’s, a deep, rich olive, and his hair is dark and glossy. “Isn’t he beautiful?” says his mother to Brendol, and Brendol says “Yes,” because he looks like his mother, but in the back of his mind he’s thinking _bastard_ , he’s thinking _lower-class_ , he’s thinking about all the hardships that will come with being a brown boy in Arkanis, where everyone looks washed-out from the rain.

Five years later and across the galaxy, Leia Organa, Lando Calrissian, and Han Solo take their son Ben to Bespin to meet his grandmother. Technically, she’s Lando’s mother, but as the only living parent for anyone in this marriage, she’s the matriarch of the family. Ben is Leia and Lando’s son, but Leia loves Han, Han loves Lando, and the three of them are dedicated to raising their child in harmony. Mrs. Calrissian picks up Ben, a wriggly little baby with big ears and big eyes and warm brown skin, and murmurs about what a pretty thing he is.

Arkanis doesn’t treat Armitage well: he’s taunted, called a bastard and a mistake, has mud thrown on him by neighboring children because that’s what he looks like. At seven, he manages to get a hold of a bottle of hair lightener and coats his hair in the cream. It burns his scalp and the fumes hurt his eyes, but when he rinses it out in the shower he has Brendol’s brassy orange hair and he thinks to himself _maybe now Father will like me more._ Brendol, of course, scolds Armitage for making himself look cheap with bleached hair and re-dyes his hair back to black while Armitage sobs. For weeks afterwards he’ll catch his reflection in the mirror and see little flickers of orange barely masked by the dark hair dye.

Yavin IV, meanwhile, is filled with citizens of all colors and species, an abundance of cultures intermingling. Leia makes friends with Shara Bey and Kes Dameron, whose son Poe becomes inseparable with Ben. She watches the two of them playing X-Wing pilots together, two carefree boys with wildly curly hair, and thinks to herself _this is why we fought the war, these moments of peace make it worth it_. But Ben, despite his friendships, despite this three loving parents, has his doubts. He’s the only boy he knows with three parents, and he’s the only boy he knows with the strange powers his mom refers to as “the Force.” Are his differences good, or are they bad? Ben frowns for a moment, but perks up when Poe tugs on his arm to let him know his mom’s made them a snack of fried platanos and homemade nerf cheese.

Armitage has been accepted into the New Imperial Academy and is excited and nervous on his first day. His classmates come from across the Outer Rim, and while some are sallow-skinned, others are cool olive or the color of sardonyx or deep sapphire-tinted browns. Race, he and the other cadets are told, has no place in the First Order, and under the First Order all systems in the galaxy will be united under a system of peace and prosperity. And Armitage, who bears his father’s name but not his father’s face, wholeheartedly embraces this message and begs for it to be true. (It’s not true, of course; colorism prevails among students even at the New Imperial Academy, all students are pushed toward hegemony and colorblindness in place of racial or ethnic understanding. And there's hazing: one of his first-year roommates, a boy with deep brown skin and closely-cropped hair, has a gallon of white paint thrown on him by some of the cadets. Another girl has her braids clipped from her head as she sleeps.)

Ben sits on the floor, his legs crossed, as his mother sits in a chair above him and works pomade through his hair so she can coax it into braids. He’s thirteen and is going to begin training to be a Jedi with his uncle Luke, and it feels like a blessing and a curse. A blessing, because he’s getting off Yavin IV and won’t have to put up with hearing about how strange he is. There’s the obvious anomaly of having three parents, including two fathers who seem more wrapped up in each other than in his mother, but there’s also the whispers that circle him about his behavior. Ben tries to control his angry outbursts when things don’t go his way, but rage and frustration flow through him like an electrical current. He’s thirteen, already in a body too big for him. His mother tells him that becoming a Jedi will help him to control his moods, he’s a wonderful boy but others will be quicker to judge him for his temper. He shuts his eyes as Leia’s fingers twirl strands of hair in her hands, smoothing out his frizzy curls into neat rows of braids that cross over his scalp. Jedi wear braids, he’s told, and with training and diligence Ben can learn to control the Force, can learn to be a Jedi like his ancestors before him.

When Armitage graduates, it’s at the top of his class, with honors, with accolades from the Academy’s dean and glowing recommendations from his professors. He’s praised for his sharp mind and quiet command, for setting an example of what the future of the First Order could be. He’s not the shy boy he was at ten, instead, he’s a charismatic young man with a crisply pressed uniform and impeccably styled hair (black, though he styles it in imitation of his father, slightly long on the top and slicked back with copious pomade). “You’ve done well for yourself, Armitage,” says Brendol after the graduation ceremony. Armitage is to begin his career in the First Order serving on board a Star Destroyer called the Dauntless as an officer. There’s the promise of military advancement, especially given his intellect and ability as a strategist. His capstone project—a method of weaponizing stars for use as a planetary weapon greater than even the fabled Death Star—hints at what is to come for the young Officer Hux.

Ben sits in his room and takes deep breaths, trying to meditate. It’s been nearly a decade since he began his training, and yet he still feels wrong. The doubts in the back of his head, the ones he’s had since he was small, still plague him, and as of late they’ve grown incessant. Just yesterday while tutoring a youngling on telekinesis, the thought whipped through his head that he could just strangle the child with the Force, tell Luke they’d choked on something, and he’d be none the wiser. His heart had raced, his mental abilities faltering as his pile of pebbles toppled. He has a flashback to how he seemed through the eyes of the youngling, tall and muscular and monstrous, and his heart drops. He’s not finding balance, he’s too impulsive, he's dangerous, he’s…and a voice calls out to him, one he knows by now as separate from his inner voice. It promises him peace by eliminating the Jedi order. _Your own grandfather, Darth Vader, freed himself from the slavery he’d known his entire life by becoming a Sith._ Ben tucks his too-long legs to his chest, hugging them close as though his muscular arms could protect him from himself, and sobs.

Officer Hux, now Major Hux, has risen through the ranks despite his young age. It hasn’t been easy for him (not that he ever expected it to be) but he’s had his moments of quiet triumph. There’s something refreshing about being in a position of power, about commanding and having people listen to him. Of course, there are moments when he doubts himself, when he’ll meet an older official who knew his father and hear them say, “Oh, _you’re_ Brendol’s son…” with an element of doubt in their voice. As though he could be anyone else’s, as though it should be surprising that he is so articulate, so respectable. _As though his career hinges on respectability_ , he thinks. And every time he hears younger officers in the halls doing a poor mockery of his mother’s lilting accent, or claiming that certain recruits stink of spices, he swallows down rage, schools his face into an impenetrable mask, and narrows his eyes just so.

Ben  _(he’s dead, he’s DEAD)_ Kylo Rensits on his cot in the simple cell where he's lived since destroying the Jedi school. The voice that called to him for years has a name: Supreme Leader Snoke, and he's nothing like _Skywalker,_ Kylo's former master. Though he answers to him, Snoke has made it clear he is a teacher, a scholar of the Force, and Kylo is no slave but is an apprentice, soon to become a Master in his own right. Kylo’s gloved hand absentmindedly runs over his head—an unfortunate habit from someone else's childhood—except instead of meeting with soft hair he feels durasteel. Snoke’s told him it is necessary for him to become acclimated to wearing his helmet, that it will help him to control his breathing and increase his lung capacity so he can train harder. All the Knights of Ren wear helmets, and Kylo, in creating his, took his cues from Darth Vader’s designs. Part of him hopes that in wearing the helmet he’ll forget the face underneath: he’s always been a monster, and now he’s ascended beyond the horrible dark thing so many people around him feared he was, feared he would become. He sighs, an inhuman-sounding thing, and ignites his lightsaber. It flickers and spits in the dark cell, pulsing like a heartbeat.

Major Hux has just been promoted to Corporal Hux, and has just been placed on the Finalizer. He is introduced to the mysterious Kylo Ren, the Jedi Killer who has enacted a violent purge of Force sensitive beings who are called to the Light. He doesn’t entirely understand it—nor does he particularly want to—but he’s mesmerized by Ren’s relationship with his teacher, the Supreme Leader himself. Ren is exacting in his methods, though far too often they seem counter to Hux’s. He tells himself it’s the same goal, unification of the galaxy under the First Order, by military might and powers unseen, and yet he cannot help but hate Ren for the pretense that shrouds him. He thinks of the boys and girls of the old Imperial families, how they took a mile if given an inch of leeway. He wonders if Ren came from a privileged background, whether he ever experienced the hardships of living in the Outer Rim, or else the tyranny of growing up an outcast.

Kylo Ren has been named Master of the Knights of Ren and is now co-commander of the Finalizer, a Resurgent-class Star Destroyer. Some distant part of him wonders if his Ben Solo’s fathers and mother would have been proud of him for attaining leadership roles by the age of 24, albeit in a military junta designed to carry on the legacy of Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine. Lando, at least, always had an anarchic streak. The military officer he works closest with, Corporal Armitage Hux, is young, only a few years older than he. Kylo heard the name before meeting the man, imagined him to be the archetype of a First Order officer: pale, light-haired and light-eyed, slight in build with a shrill affected accent. What he finds instead is a man about his height, more built than he’d expected, with black hair and deep olive skin and a melodic voice. Corporal Hux has a full beard, too: a rarity among officers, but it adds to his imposing demeanor. And he has a sharp, heavily guarded mind, one Kylo cannot easily dip into to glean thoughts and emotions. Hux fascinates him, though he'd never admit to it.

It’s Armitage Hux’s inauguration day as General of the First Order. At 32, he’s the youngest general. His story, as he tells it during his acceptance, is one of hard work and diligence, of loyalty to the First Order and putting oneself ahead of others. The planet-sized weapon he designed as a cadet nearly a decade ago, now christened Starkiller Base, is set to be fully operational within two years. Hux extolls the virtues of the Order, recognizing he stands on the shoulders of giants, on the success of the Stormtrooper program and TIE pilots and nearly a whole life spent in the military. He does not mention that the majority of the Stormtroopers come from the same economic background as his mother, that were it not for his father he would likely be on their side. Hux does not mention that his mother’s planet of origin, since colonized by the First Order, has been overtaken with mines that produce the metals and elements used to make the military’s computer consoles and the fuels that power its fleet, that the people on the planets annexed under the First Order live in conditions only marginally better than under the New Republic. He doesn’t talk about the desecration and homogenization of the planet’s cultures under the First Order’s plans for galactic unity. “Unity," Armitage says aloud, "is our strength."

And Kylo Ren, standing behind him, silent and shrouded and enormous, says nothing, but he feels the thoughts in Hux’s head. At some point during his speech, he let his guard drop, and Kylo is floored by the candor and audacity of his thoughts. It’s treachery, or something close to it, that the General of the First Order and his co-commander would feel so emotionally conflicted about his role. Even with the blood of the Skywalkers and Naberries running through him, even with his father’s quick mind and his mother’s need for justice, Kylo must remain silent. He knows if he were to indicate the shadow of doubt or discomfort for any of his actions he would be cast out from the position he occupies. His control of his powers may be tenuous, but it’s not as tenuous as his role as master and commander. He thinks instead of the unity that General Hux promises, and hopes for it to be true.

Hux has not had many partners. Part of this is due to the rigors of life within the First Order, but it’s also related to his own role. He’s had partners who wanted him only for his status, and worse still are the partners who wanted him only for his race. Though he knows the phrase “tall, dark, and handsome” apply to him (and has owned it), he tires of being called exceptional, exotic. And there’s the issue of fraternization within the First Order, a system which views relationships of any kind as something which should be unseen and unmentioned. And yet, he finds himself magnetically drawn to Kylo Ren, of all people. Is it the mystery, the fact that he’s never seen Ren unclothed? Is it his powers? Is it the fact that he’s simply outside of the chain of command? Or is it (and Hux knows this is foolish) that he hopes Ren is truly an outsider to the First Order? All Hux knows, at the end of the day, is that _something_ , perhaps all of these things, converge and inspire him to press himself close to Ren one evening, cornering him in the changing area of one of the training rooms as he’s about to divest himself of his outer robes. 

Kylo knows he should pull away. Snoke has told him relationships, particularly carnal relationships, are a weakness. He is to be loyal to Snoke, to his Knights, to the Order, but loyalty is not love and is not sex. After all, it was misplaced love that killed Darth Vader, and unequal love between partners that ruined ~~his parents'~~ Leia, Lando, and Han's relationship. (And, Kylo thinks to himself, he’s always thought it unlikely a man as well-heeled as Hux could ever desire him, because in his head he’s still the awkward boy he keeps trying to leave behind, rough in appearance and in behavior despite being raised by a princess.) Yet he cannot deny he’s fantasized about Hux since meeting him, of kissing his mouth and tousling his perfect hair, of leaving behind all his jealousy and envy for the way he wears his power. So when he leans in close and grinds against Kylo, he says, “I’m impressed, General,” as though this isn’t shocking, as though he knew all along that Hux desired him. 

Hux leans against Ren, tells him to take off his helmet. “I can’t,” is the mechanized reply. “It’s forbidden by the Supreme Leader. But,” and Ren raises a hand, “I can still touch you. Through the Force.” And when Ren presses close to Hux, he can feel his dick being stroked through his pants, can feel Ren’s lips upon his own. It’s strange, the sensation of being touched without actually feeling hands, and he shudders through his orgasm, freeing his dick at the last moment and spilling onto one of the lockers. He steadies himself against Ren, wants to reciprocate, but he shies away, pulling his robes tighter around himself and exiting the training room. He wonders, later, if Ren has ever been touched. Much later, months after Ren brought him off with nothing but his mind, he finds himself in the dark, fucking Ren, who remains almost entirely clothed. He can barely see him against the sheets in his room, hears his labored breathing through the helmet and stubbornly wishes for more. There’s an insidious thought that Ren's refusal of intimacy comes from a deep-swayed hatred of Hux. Perhaps he's disgusted by him, feels as though he’s lowering himself. The sex gets rougher, more violent.

And Kylo can feel the animosity. He wants to tell Hux he’s never cared for anyone the way he’s cared about him, that he’s covered himself out of fear of greater intimacy, or that continuing the relationship will be his undoing. Instead he says nothing and allows the disconnect to grow. He’s rougher with Hux, strokes him off with his gloves and grabs at his hair while they fuck, which always happens in the dark. He thinks he likes the degradation, tells himself that anything gentler would lead to weakness. But one night, after Hux has spat on him and called him a monster and come onto his faceplate, Kylo finds that he can’t continue like this. It ought to be the moment where he takes off his helmet, tells Hux that he loves him (except he can’t love; monsters, even those who associate with other monsters, cannot love) but instead he says, “I think we should stop.” And when Hux asks him why, Kylo bites his lip behind his mask, tries not to cry, and says in the haughtiest voice he can muster, “I’m more than something to be fucked.” He wipes his helmet (he can already feel treacherous tears in his eyes), and leaves. He didn’t tell Hux he hated him. He wonders if it was implied. He wonders if he’ll finally be free from love and light and other weaknesses.

Hux becomes bitter with Ren, and in becoming bitter throws himself more deeply into his work. For Starkiller Base won’t build itself, and now they’re mere months from completion. And the mines and labor camps, the indoctrination of youth into the Stormtrooper program, all of these won’t happen without his command. It’s important for him to be an example, to be a leader, to be _exceptional_. Hux gives himself to the Order and chases Ren out of his mind, digs his nails into his palms to protect himself from things he cannot have. When he’s sent of week or month-long missions, he embraces the comparative silence onboard the ship. In his mind he embroiders worse qualities onto Ren—he’s a poor fighter, he’s full of pretense, he likely doesn't need the damn helmet, he secretly hated Hux the entire time. He greets him with the stoniest of glares when he returns from missions, offers him no comfort. When Starkiller Base destroys the Hosnian System, Ren is notably absent from the podium. Hux tells himself it’s better this way. 

And for Kylo Ren, the call of the Light persists. It persists when he comes face-to-face with Poe Dameron; and oh, does he wonder if Poe realizes it’s him, is certain he sees recognition later as he extracts everything he can gather about BB-8 from his clever head. It persists when he spots FN-2187 on Jakku, feels his conflict and his latent Force sensitivity as if they were his own. When FN-2187 defects, he's jealous of his autonomy and self-liberation. Kylo feels the Light when he meets the scavenger girl—her name is Rey, and in her eyes he sees family, and Lor San Tekka’s words about denying the truth that is his blood tear into him as they lash out against each other. And it persists when he comes face-to-face with his fathers, both of them, who approach him together with the aim of embrace and reconciliation. He feels the Light as Han’s impaled body falls away from him, as Lando suffocates under his hands. 

In the end, the Light persists, and those who answer it, motivated by love, are the cause of Starkiller Base’s destruction, and in turn, the destruction of General Hux and Kylo Ren.

General Hux does not expect Kylo Ren to look the way he does when he finds him bleeding out in the snow as Starkiller collapses beneath their feet. There’s an avalanche of emotions as they meet for the first time with masks off, minds unguarded. There’s shock and fury of secrets kept, lies told, and assumptions made. Hux lifts Kylo’s bleeding head from the snow as his life’s work goes up in smoke, and another emotion comes to him: recognition. He smoothes the fuzzy braids away from Kylo’s ashy face and screams for the medtrooper team to bring a stretcher and load Ren onto the shuttle, and there’s an unspoken thought that passes between the two: here is another man like me, fumbling in my same darkness. Later, when Kylo has undergone surgery, his bloodstream thick with painkillers and anticoagulants and bacta smeared liberally across his body, Hux thinks with sadness about what could have been.

And as he looks to Kylo Ren, he thinks, with the smallest shred of hope, about what could be if they united.

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on Tumblr @ [kyloream](http://kyloream.tumblr.com) and [vegetadentata](http://vegetadentata.tumblr.com).


End file.
